No matter how many times it happens, it still catches me by surprise. A perfectly enthusiastic sub will occasionally completely freak out on me after a scene. They'll completely shut down and refuse to talk to me. It is particularly difficult with an online sub who will often go AWOL on me.
The first time this happened with me with my pet, I tried to find blogs written by male subs that address the conflicting feelings that arise from reconciling a man's desire to please with his masculinity. There were none.
@prokink, a male sub I met via twitter, volunteered to write on this subject from the male sub perspective. I hope that you find his insights helpful no matter which side of the flogger you're on.
I have been a lifestyle sub for over 14 years and have had vast experiences that have shaped and forged me into the person I am today. By far, the most difficult aspect for me in the beginning was dealing with emotional and mental issues resulting from humiliation and degradation play. More specifically, the emotional burden from strap-on play, panty play, dildo worship, etc...
I'm consider myself a fairly typical professional male- I am 6'-4” and 215 lbs, well spoken, educated and have never had an issue meeting woman. Great for me, eh? Well therein lies the issues that makes some aspects of submission quite difficult to deal with.
My experience with sub shock:
I had just started a wonderful relationship with a Domme and we were out at dinner together. I was 18 or 19 at the time and was a raging ball of hormones. I recall this beautiful girl walking across the room and I glanced at her for a second.
I looked back at my Domme and she smiled at me and asked, "Would you like to fuck her?"
I said, “Yes, Ma'am I would.” She smirked and we continued on with dinner. My fate had been sealed.
Fast forward a few hours and I found myself quite excited being naked, on my knees and awaiting my Domme. At that point, I had no idea this was to be a night I would never forget.
She came into the room, asked me to look at her and asked if I enjoyed disrespecting her at dinner. I knew EXACTLY what she was talking about and I apologized and said I didn't mean to. She said that it's okay, and that I was going to learn to appreciate that which I had in front of me.
I was bent over a bench and pounded by her strap-on for over 30 minutes with a condom on to prevent my goo from dripping everywhere. I was constantly being asked if this is exactly what I wanted to do to that girl at dinner. She asked me why was I crying and whimpering when she was just doing the exact thing I wanted to do to the girl.
Needless to say it was the longest, most humiliating 30 minutes of my life.
She said the best part of sex is the orgasm and that she wanted me to cum, and I gleefully did. It was the only distraction from the discomfort and burning of her constant pounding.
When I came, she pulled out and asked me to remove the condom and look at it. She then took the condom from my hand and leaned over and whispered into my ear that I wasn't finished yet and that I was to swallow the mess. I objected and she said that wasn't a democracy and to open wide.
She laughed, and dumped the contents of the condom down my throat. I gagged and coughed all the while she was berating me for being so inconsiderate to her and that I was just being treated like a good little slut.
She concluded the session and began a bit of aftercare. I shut down and asked if I could be alone. I began to cry. I was angry, humiliated, sad, confused and incredibly hurt.
A line had been crossed. I had been fucked in the ass and I swallowed cum. I had crossed the line into "homosexual" behavior and don't know how it happened.
I fought this in my mind for weeks. Am I now gay? What are my friends going to think if they find out? Why did she do this so me and why/how did I let it happen? Was I wrapped up in the moment? Was I gay and this finally drew it out of me?
I had questions like this for WEEKS. I spoke with my Domme about it and even then I didn't feel any better about the situation. I couldn't reconcile that night with all of the emotional issues it had conjured up. I took me a long time to come to terms with all of the barriers that had been torn down.
During our conversations I kept telling her things that just didn't make sense. Then she asked me two questions that drew it all together for me:
Did I love her and what did that mean to me in terms of submission?
I responded yes and it meant that I would do anything i was capable of to please her. She smiled and reassured me that night, I did exactly that.
- It's not about me. EVER.
- My submission to her is a gift, her acceptance of it is a gift as well. It is a special and finite element of our relationship.
- My mission is to please her. Trust dictates that her being happy is in my best interest and that my well being is her concern as well. In other words, if she's happy, you'll be happy.
- Her violation of my body was demonstrative proof that I was serious about HER. It was a selfless act and that is the very essence of submission. Being selfless to please her.
- The very private, intimate things we did were between HER and me. Not between society's norms and us, not what my friends think and us. It was just her and me with no deeper meaning than it was Her will.
- When I am humiliated, I am humbled. When I am humbled, I am checking my macho bullshit at the door. When it's checked at the door I am focusing on her. When I focus on her, I AM A BETTER MAN.
- When I have my limits pushed, I am demonstrating dedication to her. Words mean nothing. Action is all that counts.
- It wouldn't be domination if I only got what I wanted. See rule #1.
- When I am uncomfortable - Wearing panties under my clothes, wearing a chastity belt all week, sleeping on the floor in my own house, walking around with humiliating words written in marker all over my body, eating dinner from a bowl on the ground with no hands - I am distracted from day to day things and I am thinking of her. When I am devoting time to thinking about her I am a better sub, I am a better man.
- She wants a happy, dedicated sub as much as you want a dedicated Domme.
Many thanks to @prokink for volunteering to write this and for sharing what must be such intimate thoughts and feelings with my readers.
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Dear Mistress Lilyana,
ReplyDeleteLong time no see... and no talk. I hope that you have been well. Selena and I are looking forward to the next time we can meet for drinks and for chatting.
The term commonly used for the post-experience "shock" or release of emotions is "subdrop".
Subdrop is not uncommon after intense BDSM experiences that are new, or where limits have been pushed. They are especially likely if the partners physically separate after the experience, even more likely if the aftercare period was not sufficient. They can happen to either the bottom or the top ("topdrop"), or both, but are more often prevalent, and intense, on the bottom's side.
While societal norms may play a role in the duration of the feeling of sub shock or subdrop, amplified by questions or self-doubt, the major components contributing to subdrop are the mix of the physical reaction resulting from intense physical play, and emotions resulting from both the mindplay and the catharsis of releasing one's self beyond anything that had been done before in terms of vulnerability, self-expression, the realization of fantasies, subspace, and the total giving of one's self (and trust) to another.
Subdrop has many physical manifestations including crying and other emotional release, shaking/trembling, difficulty in stabilizing body temperature, lack of appetite, nausea, insomnia or heavy drowsiness, and more.
It has psychological manifestations that may include a sense of shame, self-doubt, an emotional pulling away or a sense of extreme attachment to the top, and more.
In order to minimize the impact of subdrop after the closing of the intense physical and mental connection that developed during play, aftercare is absolutely essential for the sub, and likely necessary to both, especially if they don't live together, and one of them will leave in the hours following. What constitutes good aftercare is a whole other topic, and a long one at that, more appropriate for a workshop than a comment box, and it is person-specific, even if there are general guidelines.
You brought up a very important subject today, and I'm sure that it will help many in becoming more aware of one of the most challenging elements of BDSM play. I just wanted to bring up some additional element, with all due respect to @prokink, that many of us with lots of experience in BDSM, and even some that are new, have experienced and/or seen often.
All the best,
Dymion
I am very much aware of sub drop and I see sub shock as something different. I see it as more mental and less physical. I also see it as something more long term.
ReplyDeleteAs usual, your insight is a very articulate and welcome addition to my blog. I appreciate your description of sub drop and hope that it is something that helps other Doms and subs.
very interesting post, specially the 10 points which were made. amazing how similar to thoughts i have had - submission of a male to a female may be something that is hardwired into the male brain. all they need is a dominant woman who knows hot to bring it out. thanks...
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