Frustrations

Unless you've collared or been collared by the significant other of your dreams, you've probably experienced at least some of the frustration I've endured. It seems inevitable. I've made this lifestyle choice and while I really never doubt my choice, I often feel that I've condemned myself to frustration.

It seems as though the moments of frustration are coming more rapidly now. I spend so much time vetting candidates you'd think my dance card would be full of willing playmates. It's not.

I wish I could say it's because I'm too picky. Sure, I have my list of deal breakers (being married, for example) and my list of preferences (intelligent, young, physically fit), but mostly I'm pretty open to at least getting to know most potentials that find me. It just seems that during that process, most candidates turn out to be fakes or flakes.

If they impress and intrigue me after emails, IMs and phone calls, then we attempt to meet in real life. At that point my frustrations are largely centered around scheduling challenges.

Although these first meetings do not make me anxious at all, it seems there is so much pressure riding on things. Will he be hotter than his pics? A girl can only hope! Will there be some chemistry? Will he sit quietly or will he engage me? Will I discover I've wasted hours of my life talking to this boy who will never serve me?

Sometimes I know on the first meeting whether or not I crave a boy's submission. Sometimes I can even tell on the first phone call. Other times I walk away from an initial meeting thinking, "Yeah maybe." And then the frustration is waiting for the next meeting and hoping that I'll get a better reading of compatibility then.

When I've determined a candidate is suitable, when I begin to crave his submission, the next step is to play. At this point scheduling is the only frustration because planning the scene is pure joy. And really, we're talking less about frustration than we are about anticipation.

And then when it happens, when I play with a boy and everything clicks, it's beautiful and magical and it makes me feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. It's like having the whole world at my feet and the frustrations aren't even worth mentioning.

After that the frustration surrounds any extenuating circumstances that keep us from playing again and from spending more time together. Sadly, it seems more often than not, some challenge arises.

I continue to hope that my frustrations will diminish. That I'll find someone who can fulfill my needs and make me physically and intellectually hot for them.

And so I sit here typing up this blog without a sub kneeling at my feet. I know he's out there, longing for this in the same way I do.