Punishment and Porn

I'm considering a new guy. We've very quickly become quite intrigued with each other, in fact. So much so that we're both thinking it's too good to be true.

Professionally our backgrounds are similar. Our kinks align well. We both want a long term relationship. He's successful and secure, totally the alpha male who likes to submit behind closed doors. My cup of tea.

I gave him a simple assignment: send me one picture of yourself every day before midnight. It can be sweet, funny or sexy.

Day 2 his picture came at 12:07 AM the day after it was due. I forbade him to look at my photos all day long as punishment. I knew he had them on his desktop and enjoyed looking at them frequently.

On day 3 he fell asleep and didn't send one at all.

*sigh*

I abhor punishing a sub. It's almost never fun for me.

If you've read the girl's blog entry called "The hottest moment," you'll know my punishments often mean my sub doesn't get to see me or communicate with me. Withdrawal of affection, as I call it.

Or it could be painful in a not fun way like when I made nodder kneel on rice in the corner while I lounged in lingerie ready to play just out of his sight.

One thing my punishments are not is fun. I don't spank a sub as punishment because generally speaking, on some level, they all like it. Even spanking is a form of attention.

As they say in regards to child development, negative attention is still attention. And trust me when I say that subs CAN be very much like bratty children.

Luckily I don't attract bratty subs. My subs serve me joyously without trying to manipulate me into play with bratty behavior that begs for punishment. Or rather FUNishment.

So imagine my shock to hear the new guy say in regards to missing two out of three assignment deadlines, "If I never did anything, wrong ... what fun would you have?"

I was aghast. I explained it all to him, my theory on punishment. I advised him when he gets spanked, it'll be because that's what I want to do, not because he's misbehaved.

I think he understands me now and I don't think he'll try to be bratty with me again but I was just stunned. And it made me wonder about his former Dommes too. Were they the kind of Dominants who suddenly jump into screaming bitchy Domme mode when it's time to play - the kind that play the role of a Domme and think bitchiness is required?

And then I began to watch some of the porn the guy has acquired over time. The answer was in the very first clip.

It was a foreign film, in what language I cannot recall. A man dressed in street clothes wearing a frilly apron was making something in the kitchen as a woman in stockings, heels, a thong and a sheer nighty watched, smoking. The man dropped something and the woman started screaming at him and pushing him around. In moments she had him undressed and fucking himself with a dildo stuck to the floor with a suction cup. She was still yelling at him.

The yelling abated as she donned her strap-on which she made him suck while he was fucking himself.

You get the picture. Hell, you've probably seen the clip or one just like it.

And suddenly I realized why he'd said, "If I never did anything, wrong ... what fun would you have?" He must have thought that maybe it was one way to get my attention, to engage me in play. To bring out my inner Domme.

Well guess what. Being Dominant is who I am. It's not a role that I play. It's not something bad behavior provokes. In fact, it's just the opposite.

Admittedly, I don't watch a lot of porn. Why? Because it frustrates me. Why? Because I don't play like they do in porn.

Playing with me in any capacity is a privilege. Sometimes it's even a reward. It's NEVER punishment.

I'm damn sure not going to reinforce bad behavior with cock sucking and ass fucking and call it punishment. I'd have the worst behaved subs and that's not ok with me.

Now, I do understand role play. I do. The naughty school girl gets spanked for bad behavior be someone playing a stern school teacher. That's not my thing but I get why people enjoy it. You get to be someone you're not.

But I'm not playing the role of Domme. It's who I am. I don't have to scream and be bitchy, wear leather and carry a whip. And I don't need your bad behavior as an excuse to make you suck my cock.

My boy, the bon-bon

D/s relationship status: formerly play partners

Relationship status: friends


The bon-bon earned his nickname after nearly three months of being known as "the new guy." It was inspired by my friend and Domme, Akasha, who once referred to a very fit boy as a bondage bon-bon. He's amazingly fit for a guy of any age, particularly one in his late 40's, and has a very remarkable "bon-bon."

When we met in late June of 2011, bon-bon and I immediately connected in play as well as personally and professionally and really enjoyed getting to know each other better in each area.

Read blogs about bon-bon.

Mouthy

I normally enjoy a mouthy sub, particularly one as witty as nodder. Not disrespectfully mouthy but talkative. I almost never impose speech restrictions.

I'd been talking about playing off and on all day but when nodder came to my house that night about a month ago, vanilla activities had prevailed. But I was starting to ache to play. Not from lack of orgasms. I'd had plenty of those. But my post orgasm bliss was starting to melt into a desire to play. Specifically for rope. For him in my rope.

I tied his ankles to his thighs in a frog tie, then his wrists in front of him and created a chest harness. Nodder chatted happily throughout my rigging.

Why he decided to start being a smart ass, I have no idea. He was thoroughly tied and wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't being disrespectful, just annoying.

"Oh my God you need to shut the fuck up."

He kept chatting.

"Seriously. Just stop talking."

I blindfolded him thinking losing his sight might quiet him.

It didn't.

I can't even remember what he was talking about but I was just done listening to him. I whipped out my duct tape and slapped a piece across his mouth. He opened his mouth in a yawn and loosened the tape so I added another piece.Then I taped him from his chin to the top of his head on both sides.

And he kept talking.

Then I grabbed another piece of rope, channeled my inner Lee Harrington and fashioned some face bondage designed to keep his jaw securely shut.

It worked. Peace and quiet.

I'd chosen to tie nodder as I had with the intent of engaging in some CBT and facesitting and I was not to be deterred simply because little of nodder's face was available for sitting. I knelt over him, my wetness just inches from his nose and watched his cock twitch. Slowly I lowered myself until his nose touched my slit. I felt him try to touch me the only way he could, nuzzling my pussy, and heard him groan in frustration.

I sat firmly on his face and reached for his cock. I stroked it gently, teasingly and waited. I waited for that moment the delicious struggle ensues.

I felt his head turn beneath me trying to find breath and I savored the struggle for a few seconds as his cock became impossibly hard before I lifted my weight off of him, laughing and giddy with power.

Again and again I sat on his face burying his nose in my pussy. I alternated between smacking and squeezing his cock painfully and teasing it with soft touches.

But the real torture was in the fact that he couldn't taste me. He could smell me and feel my wetness on his nose and cheeks but the duct tape and rope prevented more.

Truth be told, it was torture for me too. As much as I enjoy breath control and teasing, I enjoyed nodder's mouth more.

When I could take no more, I slipped the rope from his face and removed the duct tape. Before he could resume his chatter, I kissed him hard and then sat firmly upon his face again.

Like a good boy, his mouth went right to work. And he was mouthy in all the right ways.

The poster child for Secure Partners Only

I knew it wouldn't work with nodder and me. I knew it. I knew it and I tried to have a relationship with him anyway.

It's funny what you'll do for love. Hell, I was even monogamous. Me, the woman who is always juggling at least three guys at once, I was monogamous.

Why? I loved him that much. I loved him more than I loved being the Lilyana who juggles men. I loved him enough to ease his worries by giving up other guys.

I gave up women too, by the way. I should get extra credit for that.

I knew as I made the decision to be monogamous with nodder, to give up any chance at relationships with others, exactly what I was doing. I knew it wasn't sustainable. I also knew, somewhere inside, that if nodder was the right guy for me, he'd have accepted me without me having to give up part of who I am.

But I did it. I gave up guys and girls. I gave up dating AND searching for new subs. I gave up any possibility to play with the girl and chewtoy. I gave up whatever it is/was developing between 6 and I lately. I even gave up my online play with the writer and cumboy.

I gave it up. I gave it all up. I shut down my vanilla dating site and collarme profiles and posted 'in a relationship' on FetLife. And I had no problem doing it. I loved him and I wanted to end his angst.

But I won't do it again. I won't.

I'm not talking about the monogamy part. True, I'm polyamorous, but I can be monogamous if I so choose and I may choose monogamy again someday. However, if I do, it won't be to end someone's angst. It will be because that's what my heart tells me I should do.

The writer once told me I was the poster child for Secure Partners Only. Every time nodder pointed out a reason why he wasn't good enough for me, every time he called my FMT my boyfriend in a fit of jealousy, every time he made jabs about other people in my life, I'd remember what the writer said.

Note to potential subs and boyfriends: Don't even bother approaching me if you don't have your shit together. Don't message me unless you are supremely confident and secure. If you're prone to jealousy, don't even breathe in my direction.

I am Lilyana, the poster child for Secure Partners Only. You've been warned.