I knew it wouldn't work with nodder and me. I knew it. I knew it and I tried to have a relationship with him anyway.
It's funny what you'll do for love. Hell, I was even monogamous. Me, the woman who is always juggling at least three guys at once, I was monogamous.
Why? I loved him that much. I loved him more than I loved being the Lilyana who juggles men. I loved him enough to ease his worries by giving up other guys.
I gave up women too, by the way. I should get extra credit for that.
I knew as I made the decision to be monogamous with nodder, to give up any chance at relationships with others, exactly what I was doing. I knew it wasn't sustainable. I also knew, somewhere inside, that if nodder was the right guy for me, he'd have accepted me without me having to give up part of who I am.
But I did it. I gave up guys and girls. I gave up dating AND searching for new subs. I gave up any possibility to play with the girl and chewtoy. I gave up whatever it is/was developing between 6 and I lately. I even gave up my online play with the writer and cumboy.
I gave it up. I gave it all up. I shut down my vanilla dating site and collarme profiles and posted 'in a relationship' on FetLife. And I had no problem doing it. I loved him and I wanted to end his angst.
But I won't do it again. I won't.
I'm not talking about the monogamy part. True, I'm polyamorous, but I can be monogamous if I so choose and I may choose monogamy again someday. However, if I do, it won't be to end someone's angst. It will be because that's what my heart tells me I should do.
The writer once told me I was the poster child for Secure Partners Only. Every time nodder pointed out a reason why he wasn't good enough for me, every time he called my FMT my boyfriend in a fit of jealousy, every time he made jabs about other people in my life, I'd remember what the writer said.
Note to potential subs and boyfriends: Don't even bother approaching me if you don't have your shit together. Don't message me unless you are supremely confident and secure. If you're prone to jealousy, don't even breathe in my direction.
I am Lilyana, the poster child for Secure Partners Only. You've been warned.
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if i were in your "lovely" shoes, i won't think of this experience as a step back. even your decision to stop dating and shutting down new subs. i think it was somewhere inside your head, maybe you needed a timeout but didn't find the right moment. what i am saying "nodder" didn't make you do it, you did it and you were in control of this. and now you changed it for your own good also. i love this in you. you are a strong woman and you now what you want. but being a sub & jealousy i can't see them meet. i don't know.
ReplyDeletethanks for the note ,since i am a sub and have been hesitating for agas to approach you. but jealousy isn't my problem at all.
As dominant women we are often times seen as to not have any feelings. I don't know about you but I try to keep my heart very guarded, yet when I actually open up I tend to get hurt. I wish there was a way to ease your pain save time. I hope that things get better for you my dear friend. *hugs*
ReplyDelete@Moe says - I think most subs are not jealous. They might experience envy - envy of time and attention given to others - but I think most subs aren't jealous or else they harness their jealously into more of a cuckold mindset and find it hot. Unfortunately, nodder is not most subs.
ReplyDelete@Lady Antoinette - Thanks for the sweet words and the hugs. D/s is definitely easier when love is not involved. Hell, isn't all of life? LOL! I'd agree that Dominant women are often seen as to not have any feelings. And I think we like it that way, for the most part. Oh if perception was reality if only in this one instance!
@Mistress Lilyana - Generally speaking, although I can empathize situations on an intellectual level I, at times, do not understand them on an emotional one. Some reactions bemuse me and I just shake my head wondering why people make a big deal out of some issues. It seems you are making headway on a recovery and I'm very happy for you. ^.~
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