Punishment and Porn

I'm considering a new guy. We've very quickly become quite intrigued with each other, in fact. So much so that we're both thinking it's too good to be true.

Professionally our backgrounds are similar. Our kinks align well. We both want a long term relationship. He's successful and secure, totally the alpha male who likes to submit behind closed doors. My cup of tea.

I gave him a simple assignment: send me one picture of yourself every day before midnight. It can be sweet, funny or sexy.

Day 2 his picture came at 12:07 AM the day after it was due. I forbade him to look at my photos all day long as punishment. I knew he had them on his desktop and enjoyed looking at them frequently.

On day 3 he fell asleep and didn't send one at all.

*sigh*

I abhor punishing a sub. It's almost never fun for me.

If you've read the girl's blog entry called "The hottest moment," you'll know my punishments often mean my sub doesn't get to see me or communicate with me. Withdrawal of affection, as I call it.

Or it could be painful in a not fun way like when I made nodder kneel on rice in the corner while I lounged in lingerie ready to play just out of his sight.

One thing my punishments are not is fun. I don't spank a sub as punishment because generally speaking, on some level, they all like it. Even spanking is a form of attention.

As they say in regards to child development, negative attention is still attention. And trust me when I say that subs CAN be very much like bratty children.

Luckily I don't attract bratty subs. My subs serve me joyously without trying to manipulate me into play with bratty behavior that begs for punishment. Or rather FUNishment.

So imagine my shock to hear the new guy say in regards to missing two out of three assignment deadlines, "If I never did anything, wrong ... what fun would you have?"

I was aghast. I explained it all to him, my theory on punishment. I advised him when he gets spanked, it'll be because that's what I want to do, not because he's misbehaved.

I think he understands me now and I don't think he'll try to be bratty with me again but I was just stunned. And it made me wonder about his former Dommes too. Were they the kind of Dominants who suddenly jump into screaming bitchy Domme mode when it's time to play - the kind that play the role of a Domme and think bitchiness is required?

And then I began to watch some of the porn the guy has acquired over time. The answer was in the very first clip.

It was a foreign film, in what language I cannot recall. A man dressed in street clothes wearing a frilly apron was making something in the kitchen as a woman in stockings, heels, a thong and a sheer nighty watched, smoking. The man dropped something and the woman started screaming at him and pushing him around. In moments she had him undressed and fucking himself with a dildo stuck to the floor with a suction cup. She was still yelling at him.

The yelling abated as she donned her strap-on which she made him suck while he was fucking himself.

You get the picture. Hell, you've probably seen the clip or one just like it.

And suddenly I realized why he'd said, "If I never did anything, wrong ... what fun would you have?" He must have thought that maybe it was one way to get my attention, to engage me in play. To bring out my inner Domme.

Well guess what. Being Dominant is who I am. It's not a role that I play. It's not something bad behavior provokes. In fact, it's just the opposite.

Admittedly, I don't watch a lot of porn. Why? Because it frustrates me. Why? Because I don't play like they do in porn.

Playing with me in any capacity is a privilege. Sometimes it's even a reward. It's NEVER punishment.

I'm damn sure not going to reinforce bad behavior with cock sucking and ass fucking and call it punishment. I'd have the worst behaved subs and that's not ok with me.

Now, I do understand role play. I do. The naughty school girl gets spanked for bad behavior be someone playing a stern school teacher. That's not my thing but I get why people enjoy it. You get to be someone you're not.

But I'm not playing the role of Domme. It's who I am. I don't have to scream and be bitchy, wear leather and carry a whip. And I don't need your bad behavior as an excuse to make you suck my cock.