Truly thankful

On this Thanksgiving Day, I'd like to take a moment to express my gratitude and sincere appreciation for submissive men.

I am truly thankful for submissive men. You are the yin to my yang. Without your desire to submit, I am nothing but an aggressive, kinky bitch with a well stocked bag of sex toys.

I am continually amazed by your strength and courage to relinquish control. I am flattered when you kneel before me and lay your power at my feet. I live for the moments when you set aside your masculinity and own desires to amuse and entertain me just because I ask. You undo me when you melt at my touch, sensual AND sadistic. I love your every reaction to my actions - the gasps, groans and growls, the trembling and wincing - even the way you look at me when you're immersed in subspace.

And I'm entranced by the grace with which you do it all.

Entranced, aroused and truly thankful.

The Top Lilyana (and nodder) Posts of 2011

I'm super excited to have made the list for Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2011. I moved up to number 17 from last year's number 30 spot! I'm humbled to find myself in the company of some of my favorite sex bloggers - Dominants AND submissives - whose work I follow and admire. Congratulations to them and everyone else who made the list!

I called nodder when I found out I'd made the list. He congratulated me. Then congratulated himself. We both laughed.

Actually, nodder does deserve some credit. Most of my blogs over the past year have been about him.

But you won't see any more about nodder.

He's still around. And we're still, on occasion, creating blog-worthy scenes together. But I will no longer be writing about our deliciousness. That'll be just between nodder and me.

If you are new to my blog, or if you've missed any of the hot posts about our play, here is your opportunity to catch up. The following are (in my opinion) my hottest posts about playing with nodder:

- On planning and satisfying cravings
- 'Saving myself' or 'Maybe I'm not as sadistic as I thought'
- Peeing on nodder

- With a nod

- Everything is better with rope

- Foot fucker 

He kissed me

Last week I detailed my first date with a vanilla boy who was too scared to kiss me. Since that night, he's been amazingly cute with his plotting and planning for our second date last night. And of course I haven't missed an opportunity to tease him about missing the opportunity to kiss me.

When I pulled into the parking lot of the trendy restaurant where he'd made reservations last night, he had also just arrived. He barely waited for me to get out of the car before he kissed me.

I couldn't stop grinning.

As we chatted over our dinner menus, I had begun to think that perhaps he was just anxious on our first date. That he'd let anxiety keep him from kissing me.

And then the waitress asked if we were ready to order. "It's up to her. She's in charge," he told her, nodding to me.

I couldn't help smirking when he said that. Or later when he said, "You're the boss."

In fact, throughout the evening he gave me multiple cues that he was more than ok with me taking the lead. I didn't take charge. Not really. But I could have.

Maybe it's time for me to tell him.

Mistressness (and lack thereof)

I'm in a really amazing place in my life right now. I'm very very content.

I've figured out who my real friends are and I'm working to cultivate those relationships. My new job is going great and I'm really enjoying the people I work with and this new challenging chapter of my career. Relationship-wise there are a few people in my life but none are serious. And I feel really ok with the lack of pressure that not being in a relationship provides.

I feel more content with my life than I have in years. 

So imagine my surprise to find myself in weird place in regards to D/s lately. I have been feeling a distinct lack of Mistressness.

I've been having some amazing vanilla sex with a sub, but we haven't been playing. It's not that I haven't had the desire to bring D/s into the things we've been doing. It just hasn't felt right. And of course our sex is more than just a little bit kinky. But I wouldn't call it playing. I'd call it deliciously vanilla. And I have been more than just a little bit happy with that.

Bon-bon has not been at my disposal for playing much lately. Perhaps it was because I was getting laid in the traditional sense but I hadn't been really really craving play until about two weeks ago. Luckily, that was at about the time when bon-bon's schedule enabled him to spend some quality time with me. And by quality time I mean time bent over the arm of my sofa.

Ok maybe I had not TOTALLY lost my D/s desires.

As much as I enjoyed bending bon-bon over, something just still wasn't right. I felt it even with my long distance subs. Or rather, I just wasn't feeling it. The writer has been amazingly patient and has continued to crank out my personalized erotica, but I haven't had the desire to play with him, not even to give him an assignment.

Part of it is time. My new job means I'm spending more time in the office and less time planning pervy endeavors. But it's been something else, too. Something I haven't been able to put my finger on.

What I've found interesting about it all is that even though I haven't felt very Mistress-y lately, I've still been amazingly happy. Super content with my life. I guess I've thought that D/s has been such a big part of my life that I needed it to be happy. As it turns out, I don't need it.

But I want it. Mmmm do I want it!

Whatever it was, it's over. I found it again. Last night I played with bon-bon and it was amazing. AHH MAZING. I felt great. In control.

She's BACK. And chock full of Mistressness!

Scaring vanilla boys

I had a very vanilla first date tonight with a very vanilla guy. Barbecue and shopping. It was lovely in a very vanilla way.

"You should have just kissed me," I texted him after we parted ways. I knew he'd wanted to kiss me. He'd hugged me twice. We had a couple of minutes of awkward goodbye conversation. He'd looked at me like THAT.

"I know. Too awkward for my own good. Opportunity missed. I had a nice time though. Thanks for that."

"I had a good time too. And don't worry. You will have another shot at it if you want it."

"That does sound very enticing. I'm going to take you up on that!"

Could I have ended the awkwardness and kissed him tonight? Absolutely. But then that would have ended my fun.

No, he doesn't know I'm kinky. He doesn't know I'm Dominant. Doesn't know anything about my dark side. And I'm sure he has no clue how much I enjoyed his discomfort tonight. How I grinned for nearly 30 minutes afterwards as I recalled his anxiety.

I could have kissed him. I could have ended his misery. I didn't. I was enjoying it way too much.