Subtradiction - by the writer

Subtradiction - n. colloquial The contradictory feelings experience by a submissive who finds himself caught between two contradictory desires

It’s the best word I can imagine to describe the state I’m in.

After seven weeks of chastity, I want so desperately to cum. At the same time, I want equally as desperately to continue to suffer for my Mistress.

I am at the point where my ache is constant, where I cannot get through any task of any day without thinking of how much I want and need release, how full my cock and balls are, how badly I want to feel the rush of cum leaving my body.

How badly I want an orgasm.

How I will happily be humiliated in my cumming, to do so in a way that diminishes my pleasure and increases Lilyana’s.

And yet, at the same time, I am proud of the seven weeks I have endured and know that I can endure more. As badly as I want to cum, I want to remain chaste. I want Lilyana to laugh at my state, to take pleasure in my predicament.

I know it pleases her, and, in truth, it pleases me.

I want to cum and I want not to cum.

Subtradiction.

I want my cock wet and warm. I want my cock denied any entry.

Subtradiction.

I want my Mistress’ taste to linger in my mouth; I embrace the reality that as a long distance sub, she taunts me with the fact that I have never experienced what would assuage the pain of my chastity.

Subtradiction.

If I were allowed to cum tonight, I would wake up tomorrow wishing I were still full and suffering for her. If I am not allowed to cum, I will wake up tomorrow in an agonized state, wishing I had been allowed release.

Subtradiction.

It sounds like lose-lose but it’s not. Not for a true sub. Any choice my Mitress makes is a choice that binds me tighter to her.  That results in my suffering. That I embrace and accept and cherish.

Subtradiction.

It’s win-win for me.

Blog bondage

One of the comments I hear most from readers is that they love how honest I am. They love how I write about everything, not just the hot parts.

The truth is I don't write about everything. 

I write about the hot parts I'm willing to share. I write about the funny things. I write about aspects of the lifestyle I think are relevant to my readers. I write about the epiphanies I have and the challenges I face.

Mostly.

I have a huge gaping hole in my heart right now. I can't write about it. I. Just. Can't.

And I can't write about my family and my day to day life. Only the sexy parts. 

Sometimes it feels like I'm in restrictive bondage. Sometimes it's a bit claustrophobic. Sometimes I yearn to pour my heart out.

Since I was a child, I've written when I've felt happy. I've written when I've felt sad. I've written when I have been unable to determine quite how I felt.

Today, more than ever, I NEED to write. I need to write to sort through all that is in my head. I need to write to try to repair the hole that is in my heart.

And I WILL write. I'll write about something fun and sexy. Something interesting.

It'll arouse you. It'll make you think. It might even make you laugh. You'll love it.

But it won't be what I need to write about. It'll be what I'm bound to write about. After all, I'm quite the bondage enthusiast.