Subtradiction - by the writer

Subtradiction - n. colloquial The contradictory feelings experience by a submissive who finds himself caught between two contradictory desires

It’s the best word I can imagine to describe the state I’m in.

After seven weeks of chastity, I want so desperately to cum. At the same time, I want equally as desperately to continue to suffer for my Mistress.

I am at the point where my ache is constant, where I cannot get through any task of any day without thinking of how much I want and need release, how full my cock and balls are, how badly I want to feel the rush of cum leaving my body.

How badly I want an orgasm.

How I will happily be humiliated in my cumming, to do so in a way that diminishes my pleasure and increases Lilyana’s.

And yet, at the same time, I am proud of the seven weeks I have endured and know that I can endure more. As badly as I want to cum, I want to remain chaste. I want Lilyana to laugh at my state, to take pleasure in my predicament.

I know it pleases her, and, in truth, it pleases me.

I want to cum and I want not to cum.

Subtradiction.

I want my cock wet and warm. I want my cock denied any entry.

Subtradiction.

I want my Mistress’ taste to linger in my mouth; I embrace the reality that as a long distance sub, she taunts me with the fact that I have never experienced what would assuage the pain of my chastity.

Subtradiction.

If I were allowed to cum tonight, I would wake up tomorrow wishing I were still full and suffering for her. If I am not allowed to cum, I will wake up tomorrow in an agonized state, wishing I had been allowed release.

Subtradiction.

It sounds like lose-lose but it’s not. Not for a true sub. Any choice my Mitress makes is a choice that binds me tighter to her.  That results in my suffering. That I embrace and accept and cherish.

Subtradiction.

It’s win-win for me.