Romkink - by the writer

Last August I wrote about my frustration with the lack of romantic gestures I see from male subs. It was a subject I'd debated on twitter with a couple of my favorite Femdoms, Ferns and Dumb Domme. After my post, Ferns shared her thoughts on her blog. The subject was revisited by Dumb Domme recently, and then again by Ferns. After the writer had read their blogs, he asked if he could write a post on the subject. I thought it would be great to feature a sub's perspective on the subject. 

I call it romkink -- that mixture of kink and romance that Lilyana, Ferns, and Dumb Domme have been blogging about. From a male sub perspective, there's nothing more intoxicating -- and, perhaps, interestingly contradictory. Because what I want (and, oh, do I love romkink) is for the sub to be very, very specific and the Domme not to be specific at all.

Why? First of all, it's all about emotion. In that, romkink is no different from any other kind of romance. I've been in relationships where the kink is only in the bedroom, a spice. In that case, the romance is separate and apart from anything kinky. I've been in kinky relationships where romance is not only not required but not wanted. But romkink means the two are bound up together -- the romance is all about the love of the woman to whom I'm submitting.

When I submit without romance, it's all about the acts. When I submit romantically, it's about my emotional bond to my mistress. The sexual rush is the same with or without the romance. But the emotional rush that accompanies romkink is mind-bending. She could say, "walk around the block," and I would get hard.

What she can't say is "buy me some flowers." At that point, buying flowers becomes a task. That's not the same as "I may be a Domme, but I still want romance in my relationships." If I hear that, she’s not creating a task. She’s telling me something about what she craves and something about herself.

That leaves it up to me to figure out what she would find romantic. And that's where the sub's specificity comes in. The only way to be romantic (in a kinky or entirely vanilla relationship) is to know your love very, very well. To show your Domme that you are truly interested in her -- not just her play. To know what excites her, certainly. But also to know whether she loves flowers or has hay fever.

My favorite romantic gesture is to give a present when there is no reason at all. Not on her birthday or your play anniversary or a holiday. Giving a gift just because you see something she would love.

Of course, to know what that is, you have to know what she loves. You have to have paid attention. One of the most romantic things I've ever given Lilyana was a plastic jug of Bloody Mary mix. It didn't look romantic at all. It looked industrial. But I knew that she loved that drink, and I knew she couldn't get this mix where she lives. And we'd talked enough about her tastes that I knew the exact spice quotient of this would please her. And it did. Her delight was as thrilling to me as a red ass or a month in chastity.

When I write erotica for her, I write about things I know she finds exciting. I don't add fantasies that excite me but don't excite her. I wrote to woo her, I wrote when we played long distance, and I write now that we are non-playing friends. Each story is a gift, tailored to her.

And when I write romkink, I don't just strive to make her wet. I strive to lace the story with my love for her. To keep it hot and kinky but very, very deeply emotional. To make it clear that the act of writing itself is an expression of how she stirs not just my cock but my soul.

I wrote this because LIlyana and I have discussed romkink. Because I knew she wanted new material for her blog. Being submissive, I asked her whether she would like me to do this. And only when she said yes did I sit down and compose what you’ve just read, clearing time in my day so I could give her a small gift.

This post is a romantic gesture.