Ruined

Unlike most Dommes, I'm not into cross dressing. However, I do enjoy a little feminization for humiliation purposes. 

I like to dress boys in ridiculously feminine panties because it amuses me. 

The more ridiculous, the better. Thongs with bows. Cherries printed across soft, pink cotton. Ruffles. Lace. Rhinestone bedazzled SLUT across the ass. Cuts so small even the smallest cock cannot be withheld. I have a collection I call 'panties for boys' that includes the most feminine panties I could find. If I wore panties, I'd never wear panties as ridiculous as the ones I acquire for boys. 

I'll make boys try them on slowly and parade around my room. It makes me giggle. A lot. 

Until Hando came along and ruined it for me. 

Hando is not a whore for humiliation like all of the subs who have come before him. I can't turn his desires against him with a few well chosen words. 

It was my default setting with a sub up until a year ago and it's taken some adjustment for me. I still slip, from time to time, when I'm in the primal Domme headspace where nothing is calculated and everything is instinctual. The words will simply tumble out. Hando isn't offended or hurt and I no longer worry he might be. He just isn't aroused from it. 

Due to this, when I play with Hando, I've steered clear of some of my favorite humiliation activities like forced feminization. And then it managed to sneak into our play during our anniversary trip in March. 

"Oh wow! Look what I found," I said, digging through my giant toy bag. "I wonder if they'll even fit anymore."

"What is it?" Hando asked looking at the wad of black lace in my hands. 

"These are my crotchless panties," I explained as I carefully untangled the delicate lace and satin ribbon that laced the fabric together. 

"YOU own panties?" 

"I have a couple of pairs. I wonder if these will still fit." I'd lost 60 lbs since I'd bought them. I delicately stepped into them and pulled them up. The lace gaped on the sides. "Nope."

Hando watched with interest, perhaps because he'd never seen me wear panties before, perhaps because of the naughtiness of the crotchless panties. Perhaps because he's simply always interested in what I'm doing. 

After laughing at how poorly they fit, I slipped them off and offered them to Hando. "Want to try them on?"

"Sure."

I don't remember being surprised by his response. At the time it seemed like a natural progression to things. We'd tackled quite a few new things that weekend. A lot of them were intentional. This was almost accidental. 

He tried to pull them up roughly, as all guys do when they first put on panties. They don't know that the delicate nature of panties requires a more thoughtful approach. 

"Slowly. Gently," I admonished, stepping in to help straighten the lace and tie the satin ribbon. He stood there like a good boy and let me fix the panties. 

I took a few steps back so I could get a good look ready to coo humiliating words at him. 

But he looked fucking hot in my panties. 

"How do they look?" he asked. 

I couldn't respond. My brain was processing the major shift. I wanted to laugh at how ridiculous he looked. Except that he didn't look ridiculous at all. 

Instead of answering him, I directed him to stand in different positions so I could get a better look. I grabbed my phone and took some pictures. I showed him. 

"You look hot," I declared, rather reluctantly. 

"Yeah, I kind of do, don't I?"

"You're not supposed to look hot in panties," I stated flatly, defeated. I felt like he had ruined something I'd previously enjoyed so much by looking too fucking hot. 

Since then, I have whined those words more than a few times. I've even yelled them at him like an accusation. 

"It's not fair! You're not supposed to look that hot in panties!!" 

"Can't you just enjoy how sexy I look in panties for you?" he asked after a while. 

Yes. Yes, I could enjoy it. I WAS enjoying it. Begrudgingly, I had to admit I was enjoying it. 

Girl smorgasbord

 

Since Elle and I transitioned from lovers to best friends a couple of years ago, I've been looking for a girlfriend. It's something I'll put sincere effort into sporadically, then I'll get frustrated and stop looking.

But I think perhaps I've found the solution to my girl woes.

Date guys who are swingers and let them find women for me.

"There's a girl from my past who may want to play," the new guy texted.

"With us or with you?" I asked.

"Us or just you," he responded and then sent a couple of sexy selfies from her.

She wouldn't be the first girl I've had thanks to the new guy. We recently went to a swingers club where I had an opportunity to play with multiple women.

"Did I play with three or four women tonight?" I asked as he drove me home at 2:30 AM after we shut the place down. The evening was a bit of a haze for me and I could remember three different girls whose pussy's I'd licked and figured there was one more I'd at least groped.

"I think it was four or five."

"Oh geeze, really?" I didn't know whether to feel proud or slutty. "The only guys I fucked were you and Frankie though, right?"

"Yes."

It was a valid question. For whatever reason, I seem to forget about cock when I have pussy in front of me. I'd tried to warn the Maestro about it before our first threesome. He'd even jokingly called himself "the sideshow."

And he really was. I was so focused on her that when he later recounted how he'd fucked me while I was going down on her, I honestly couldn't remember that at all.

During our second threesome, I did notice the Maestro fucking me while I went down on her. And I remember feeling almost annoyed that he was distracting me from the beautiful, yummy pussy in front of me.

The truth is, I actually prefer pussy to cock, even to cock as amazing as the Maestro's. I just do. I can't help it.

Luckily, I don't have to choose. And as long as the Maestro keeps bringing me girls as fun as the last one, a young, curvy, subby girl, I'm willing to let him try to distract me with his cock while I lick her.

And apparently I don't have to choose with the new guy either. He's also a voyeur and happy to watch me give and receive pleasure from other women. And men.

We'd spotted Frankie and Kelly as they walked into the swingers club. She was a delicious, tall, curvy blond and he was slim with wavy brown, medium length hair and looked European somehow. They were tourists from Phoenix, we found out as we cuddled as we took a break from playing. Although I knew we'd played with them longer than anyone else, I couldn't be sure how long we'd played. Time seemed to fly by that evening. We'd played for more than 2 hours straight, more than half of which was with Kelly and Frankie.

"You know we fucked the hottest couple there, right?"

"Yep," the new guy responded with a smirk. And then we fist bumped. In fact we'd ended up playing with a few of the hotter couples we'd spotted that night but Kelly and Frankie had been the hottest and the most fun. He had a thick cock that couldn't be classified as a sideshow, even to Kelly's sexiness, and was an amazing kisser. She was somehow both aggressive and submissive, pouncing on me, the first woman she'd ever been with, at one moment and melting as my hands wrapped around her throat the next.

That evening, my first visit to a swingers club, really had been a blur. As open minded and sexually adventurous as I am, I still surprised myself a little with how easily I jumped into play. I've never been one for public play in the kink scene and never really wanted to play with strangers. And yet I found myself smack dab in the middle of exactly that at the swingers club, enjoying myself immensely. Enjoying other women immensely.

"It was like a girl smorgasbord for you," the new guy said the next day.

Between the new guy and the Maestro, it's been quite the girl smorgasbord lately.

And they both seem to have plans to continue supplying me with girls.

I could get used to this.

The most vanilla we've ever been

The Maestro had invited Hando to join him, two other women and me several weeks ago. Scheduling became complicated and like so many planned group sex events, life got in the way and it never happened.

Through some kind of cosmic miracle, the stars aligned and the Maestro, Hando and me happened to be available on the same night. The Maestro heated his magical hot tub and pool and Hando and I joined him.

Any kind of awkwardness that might have existed melted into a fun conversation where, among other things, the Maestro regaled Hando, at my request, with his recount of my interlude with the BBC and our three/foursome with the couple. And that melted into me sucking the Maestro's cock.

"Watching you suck cock might be my new favorite thing," declared Hando from his vantage point on the edge of the hot tub.

"It's hot, right?" the Maestro added. Even with my mouth full of his substantial cock, I smiled.

"Do you look that hot sucking MY cock? Now I want to watch that, you know, like I can see this now." I had to laugh a little at Hando's wonder. I also marveled at my own arousal over being watched.

Although the Maestro and I had engaged in group sex on multiple occasions during our short relationship, Hando and I had not had the opportunity. It wasn't that one or both of us weren't ready. We both love to share and are both practiced in it. We just hadn't made it happen.

Once the Maestro confirmed, I spent some time carefully considering the dilemma of Hando. Not that I for a moment doubted either of us could go through with a MMF without any jealousy or performance issues. I was worried about our default D/s setting being something that could be squelched enough to engage in group sex without triggering his subbiness.

Neither Hando nor I were comfortable with him being subby in front of the Maestro. Perhaps with someone else well versed in the lifestyle or as part of our own D/s scene where his submission was an integral part of it, but neither of us were comfortable with him being subby around another guy I'm dating.

I've used the term pseudo-vanilla to describe vanilla sex with a sub. I say pseudo-vanilla because once I know how to trigger someone's subbiness, my instinct is to do so in every sexual interaction. It's damn near impossible not to and it makes damn near all sex with a sub a little less than vanilla, even when I'm not intentionally domming someone.

You can take the girl out of the leather catsuit but you can't take the dominance out of the girl.

Not that I've ever worn a leather catsuit, but you get the point.

So my challenge in this MMF would be to somehow manage not to trigger Hando's subbiness in the middle of the MMF. To not let my Domme instinct engage.

"Can I fuck Hando without triggering his submissive side?" I texted my Domme friend.

She responded immediately with the kind of pep talk I'd only ask for or accept from her: "*my hands on your shoulders looking you in the eye* Of course you can! You are "the" Mistress Lilyana and you can order Hando not to sub out and the Maestro to DP you."

We moved the party from the hot tub to the Maestro's bed. There was a lot of cock sucking and some fucking. The positions changed but there seemed to be two cocks in me at all times.

My hands slid down Hando's shoulders but each time, I managed to catch myself before my fingertips found his nipples. It was easier than I thought to avoid touching Hando's neck - another trigger - and to curtail the dirty talk, probably because of the Maestro's energy in the mix.

Still, good boy that Hando is, he twice managed to find a Maestro-free moment to lean down and whisper in my ear.

"Mistress," he breathed. "I just want you to know that I'm still your good boy."

His admission made me smile.

As Hando and I discussed the MMF highlights the next day, Hando declared, "You know, I think that's the most vanilla we've ever been."

I had to laugh. It was true.

Anniversary trip of 129 orgasms

It had been a year since Hando's nearly vanilla self stumbled into my life and as I looked at him pressed against the wall, my rope secured around his wrists, wearing my collar and lacy crotchless panties, I marveled at how rapidly we'd progressed in a year.

After some debate about how we'd celebrate our anniversary, we'd gotten a little casita near a gorgeous national park off AirBnB for the occasion. We wanted to get away but we didn't want to go somewhere too touristy knowing that we really just wanted to hole up and fuck and play the whole weekend. And we wanted to choose something nearby because we knew better than to plan for extended periods of time where fucking is not an options. Long car trips were out. The casita was only a couple of hours away. Perfect.

We'd chosen this "casita" thinking it was detached from the home and feeling like privacy was important. I didn't want some innocent family to hear his screams and moans as I thrust my cock into him. So when we arrived, we were surprised to find it attached to the family home. And to find a framed picture of Jesus by the bed.

I'd brought my giant toy bag, of course, and I was ready to try new things.

So ready. I'd held back for a year with him and I needed to let loose. I needed to push him a bit.

"I'm not holding back anymore," I told him after I gifted him with his very own play collar. "This means you're ready."

There were many firsts that weekend - panties, rope around the neck, smothering, using my cock and ball leash and impact play. And some of my favorites with him occurred again, like him sleeping in my rope.

I'd brought the counter and we used it for every orgasm he gave me those two days in the casita. 129. Seriously. Yes, I'm that orgasmic and he's that good.

And I didn't count the orgasms he gave me in Vegas before we left or after we came back.

Believe it or not, we actually did leave the casita.

"You know I'm going to make you hike, right?"

"Yes, Ma'am," said Hando, not exactly an outdoorsy kind of guy but always my good boy and willing to do something that will put a smile on my face or an orgasm on my counter.

We also ventured out for food and fell a little bit in love with a little diner with handmade signs and gigantic muffins. I ordered for him for the first time as he sat next to me, the cock and ball leash peeking out of his waistband. I'd tug it periodically just to watch the expression on his face.

As it turns out, Jesus is a bit of a voyeur. We didn't put the framed picture of Jesus away but we did "decorate" the bedside table where he sat and watched.

"This place will not see this much sex for the next year," Hando commented as we packed. "Maybe 6 years," he added with a laugh.

And as I packed away the counter with 129 displayed in the window, I had to agree.

Christmas bondage

Hando was working abroad during Christmas. We managed to exchange Christmas gifts via FaceTime but it wasn't until recently that we were able to celebrate Christmas together properly.

I wanted to spend the day watching Christmas movies and listening to Christmas music. I'd left my Christmas decorations up for the occasion. I had planned to make him dinner, eat on the good china and drink from the good crystal. He called them my "adorable plans" and was such a good boy to indulge me.

The night before our Christmas, we'd had a lot of intense play that culminated in rope and strap-on play. I'd tied him in a chest harness so he'd have handles, just as I had before. And as we decompressed, I contemplated removing the rope and was a little sad about the idea.

"I wish I could sleep in your rope," Hando said, reading my mind. I couldn't help but moan at the idea.

I've always wanted to have a sub tied up while they slept but had never executed the idea primarily because I rather enjoy being spooned while I sleep. However, cuddling and sleeping with Hando usually means he's in my arms with his head on my chest - a position more conducive to bedtime bondage.

I tied cuffs on each wrist and joined them about 14" apart. I wanted him to be able to move just enough to be fairly comfortable but not so comfortable that he was able to forget he was in my rope. And I left him in the chest harness.

As soon as I had his wrists tied, he curled up into an adorable ball of hotness, I wrapped my arms around him and well fell asleep.

The next morning, he awoke with a sleepy smile looking hotter than ever still in my rope and still in sub space. I held him and gently squeezed the rope around his wrists thinking about the delicious ligature marks he'd have when I untied him.

I'm not sure at what point I decided not to untie him. We had no plans to leave the house, only to celebrate Christmas, so I kept him naked in nothing but my rope. All. Day. Long.

We played. We snuggled on the sofa and watched White Christmas. He knelt on a pillow on the kitchen floor while I cooked.  We ate a delicious dinner off my Waterford china and sipped a crisp Riesling from crystal goblets. And all of the while he was wrapped in my scarlet hemp rope, deep in sub space.

Watching a sub experience the high of sub space is so hot for me. I love how their faces relax. I love the blissful smile. I love the soft tone they use to speak to me. I love knowing I put them there.

Hando was in sub space for more than 24 hours and it was so fucking hot. He was deliciously deeper than he'd ever been before and certainly much longer. Of all of the D/s play I've experienced, it felt the most immersive, even to me.

But, alas, it came time to unwrap the gift that was Hando. And as I traced the marks my scarlet rope left on his skin with my tongue, I smiled. It was a Christmas I'll never forget.

The Maestro and the BBC

It's always a relief to meet someone new that can happily navigate open relationships and who enjoys sex. But rarely do I meet someone more pervy than me.

For my third date with the Maestro, he orchestrated a threesome with another open, bisexual woman that he's seeing. Yes, our THIRD date.

And it was fantastic.

We've also played with another couple. Actually, we were the wife's Valentine's Day gift. And I was her first taste of woman.

But the Maestro enjoys watching, a lot. And while he certainly enjoyed watching me with women, he was interested in watching me with another guy.

"I've never had BBC (big black cock)," I had revealed to him early in our relationship.

"Really? We should make that happen. I'd love to see that."

A few weeks later, we'd set aside an evening to spend time together.

"Want to order in dinner?" The Maestro texted.

"I thought you were getting me a BBC," I joked.

"Oh I can do that."

I thought he might also be joking, but when I arrived at his house, the email responses to his craigslist ad had begun to roll in, his phone dinging every minute or two.

I began to think that maybe I hadn't been joking with him. It seemed like a great idea. I could get BIG cock and the Maestro would get to watch. And once again, I'd get to share a pervy experience with him.

I chose the guy and gave him my limits but I let him coordinate. I let the Maestro orchestrate it.

It went off without a hitch. The guy, later described as "A black god" by the Maestro, was indeed hot as fuck, ripped and had a giant cock. But he was also a great kisser and very gentle.

I had envisioned having BBC while someone watched many times before but it was always with cucking and forced bi as part of the scene. In my head, it was going to be about enjoying BBC without regard to whoever was watching.

This was very different from everything I'd imagined. Yes, it was very much about enjoying BBC but there was no D/s involved at all.

Well, I MIGHT have gotten just a little toppy. I did ask him to stand in a certain spot and slowly remove his clothes. But I didn't dominate him.

Seriously. I didn't.

I had fun playing with him while the Maestro watched. It felt liberating to enjoy a scene I didn't have to coordinate.

There's a certain freedom in enjoying a hedonistic guy like the Maestro and his non D/s perviness. He doesn't give a shit about my Mistressness and I'm able to engage with him (and whoever else we involve in our shenanigans) on a purely sexual level.

My boy, the Maestro

D/s relationship status: none

Relationship status: dating 

The Maestro came up as a high match for me on OKCupid, probably because he also enjoys open relationships. Although he does have a little bit of a kinky side, he's not into BDSM. He's a consummate voyeur with a network of sexually open people. He earned the pseudonym "The Maestro" because of his innate ability to orchestrate group sex fun.

Read blogs about the Maestro

My type

Until a few years ago, I'd always claimed I didn't have a type. True, I'd enjoyed an exotic men phase (Indian, Egyptian, Iranian, French and Italian) and I'd always enjoyed younger men, but physically, there were few similarities among the men I dated.

And then nodder shaved his head.

Well, actually I shaved nodder's head but that's another story.

Nodder, bon-bon and my pet object, I realized then, were all bald, submissive guys from New England. Nodder and my pet object both sported goatees also. I had to finally admit I have a type.

And then almost a year ago, I started dating Hando. He wasn't submissive when I found him and isn't from New England but is bald and has a goatee. He's also the same height and roughly the same build as bon-bon and my pet object.

It was about that time that I started noticing an attraction to random bald guys I'd run across. I'd immediately think of how their head and bare shoulders would look from my point of view as they bent between my thighs to lick my pussy.

I mean seriously. How hot is that?

This fall I took my pet object to a sporting event where he met many of my coworkers including bon-bon. In fact, he was seated right next to bon-bon and they chatted a bit about New England throughout the event. They even shared a joke about me having "a type."

When I visited Hando during Thanksgiving, I posted some pictures on Facebook of us and wondered if my coworkers would notice that it wasn't the same bald, medium height guy with light eyes and facial hair. No one ever commented so I never had to laugh off the whole "Yes, I have two boyfriends" idea as an explanation. I figured they'd assume it was the same guy if they even cared at all.

This past weekend, bon-bon and his girlfriend hosted a party attended by many of our coworkers. I took Hando.

I wondered how many of my coworkers would mistake him for my pet object. In fact, I texted my pet object right before the party and told him.

"Wanna make a bet on whether someone mistakes him for you?"

"Oh that's gonna happen," he said.

Each time I introduced Hando to someone who had met my pet object, I waited for them to say, "Good to see you again" or "I think we've met before" but it didn't happen.

And then bon-bon caught me in the kitchen without Hando and said, "Hey, I didn't want to say anything but isn't that the guy you brought to the sporting event?"

Bon-bon and I have grown close over the past year. He's begun introducing me as one of his best friends. He knows me well, knows about both Hando and my pet object and KNEW I was bringing Hando to the party.

So needless to say, I was blown away that HE was the one who couldn't tell them apart.

I guess I should be grateful it was him and not another coworker. The last thing I need is for my and bon-bon's coworkers to notice that I have a type and that type is bon-bon.

As we circulated and said our goodbyes, I found Hando talking to bon-bon. Their height, their coloring, their shiny shaved heads - even their eye glasses are so similar that as I approached them, I had to smile.

Yep, I have a type. Now let's just hope my coworkers don't figure that out.

What I learned in 2016

In my Domme prime when I regularly considered new subs, I steered clear of newbies. I'd learned very quickly that boys who were new to the lifestyle had learned what they thought was submission from porn and didn't understand the loving relationship aspect of the lifestyle that I treasured. I found many who identified as submissive simply had a submissive fetish or two and wanted a Domme as a fetish delivery system. I've also found that newbies are more likely to disappear when confronted with a new experience that overwhelms them. They simply aren't committed because they haven't had enough experience to know definitely they are submissive and that they sincerely want D/s.

Seasoned subs understand that my pleasure comes first without me explaining it. They're basically happy as long as I'm pleased. And because they know what they are getting into, the usually don't disappear. They actually show up and they stick around through the tough stuff, even when they are overwhelmed. I enjoy the simplicity of the arrangement so when I consider a new sub, I look for a seasoned sub.

When I met Hando a year ago, I immediately disclosed that I was kinky. He wasn't kinky but mentioned a curiosity so I gave him a link to my blog.

When we started dating last spring, other than being very much a gentleman, he gave me no submissive vibes and didn't stoke my Domme fire at all.

As much as I love making a boy a subby puddle, there's a lovely freedom in having a partner I'm not dominating. I'd really thought Hando was going to be that. However, when we began sleeping together, I stumbled upon a few things that triggered a submissiveness he didn't know existed - one that I hadn't suspected was there either. One that my finely tuned Domme radar had missed.

It's not the first time I've "turned" a vanilla guy. If there's any submissiveness in a guy, I'll find it and drag it out of him. It's who I am - a sub magnet. However, I must admit, I'm always a little disappointed when that happens because I really do treasure the partners I have that do not submit.

So when I found Hando's subby triggers, I was surprised to find myself excited to show him the ropes, pardon the pun.

Why is it different with Hando? The obvious answer would be our connection and my affection for him. The fact is, when I love a sub, I'm a different Domme. Softer for sure. Perhaps more patient, definitely more tolerant and open.

Maybe it's how naturally he took to kink. It's taken very little direction or redirection to get the behavior I am looking for from him and even that has been FAR more enjoyable than I recall it being with other newbies back in the olden days when I still considered them.

I really love to watch Hando process new kinky things. He's an amazing communicator who has zero issue telling me pretty much every thought in his head and that gives me enormous insight into what's going on in there. And it's so fucking hot to be a part of that.

I must admit, I have really enjoyed watching him experience everything for the first time. It wasn't a chore. It wasn't frustrating. It was beautiful and I will always cherish being a part of that.

As I tell Hando, you never get another first time. Each first should be savored and enjoyed.

And that's how I feel about this first for me. What I learned in 2016 is that I CAN enjoy a newbie.